


like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, so do our minutes hasten to their end

by mnemosyne_musings



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Older River, young!Eleven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25805770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mnemosyne_musings/pseuds/mnemosyne_musings
Summary: She takes another deep breath and tries to calm herself. She needs to do this. She needs to be strong for both of them, she knows that. She can’t unravel in front of him. Not this him anyway. But she feels too fragile, too brittle to cope with this. As if one wrong step from either of them at this moment will unspool their entire relationship right in front of her. That they will erase her entire past with one hastily spoken insult or cutting remark.
Relationships: Eleventh Doctor/River Song, The Doctor/River Song
Comments: 12
Kudos: 45





	like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, so do our minutes hasten to their end

River peers around the corner, carefully aims her blaster and then lets fire. She watches as all five guards collapse before they can even turn to register the intruder and then nods in satisfaction. She steps daintily over one of the bodies, blowing a kiss to the security camera as she heads for the control room of the ship. She’d agreed to intercept a jewel heist on this starliner - for a hefty cut of the price obviously – and so far it was all going rather smoothly. Well, her manipulator had shorted out on arriving but she could always take the long route back before it got fixed.

She quickly keys in the code at the panel next to the door and watches as it slides noiselessly open, revealing one of the thieves typing furiously away at the main control panel. “I wouldn’t bother with that if I were you,” River drawls, leaning against the doorway to the control room, “I’m just going to change those coordinates once I’m done here.”

“Who the hell are you?” the man snarls, whirling around at the sound of her voice.

“I’m your worst nightmare darling,” she smiles sweetly as he stares at her in disbelief, his eyes flicking to the doorway behind her.

“But, how did you get past the…” he trails off as he spots the blaster in her hand, “That shouldn’t be possible, there were…”

“Honey, after the month I’ve had then you really don’t want to try my patience by carrying on this conversation any further,” River cuts off the man’s rant in a bored tone, “Now, hand over the jewels like a good boy and maybe I won’t atomise you into a thousand small pieces.”

“No!” he retorts angrily, his eyes darting around the room as he tries to find the nearest exit, “I will not be told what to do by a mere wom…”

The rest of his sentence is lost forever as River aims her blaster and fells him with a single shot to the chest. She shakes her head briefly before holstering her gun and stepping casually over his body. She leans down and plucks the small velvet bag from his hands before deftly pocketing it and moving over to the controls. After a few minutes work re-setting the coordinates, she turns towards the exit but as she does, a familiar noise fills the air.

As the TARDIS materialises in front of her, she closes her eyes and steels herself. She can do this, she tells herself. It was only a matter of time before she ran into him again. Maybe he’s followed her here? Maybe he regrets some of the things they both said after Manhattan when they were both mired in grief. She tried to stick around, tried to be there for him, but in the end he drove her away. Or maybe she ran? Probably a bit of both.

As the TARDIS door opens, she takes a deep breath and … _Oh._

“River?”

Oh, he is _young_.

“Hello sweetie,” she forces herself to say, fixing a smile on her face as he peers around the room, his eyes narrowing slightly as he takes in the stricken body on the floor before his gaze comes back to her, flicking briefly down to the blaster at her side.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, a slight note of suspicion in his voice.

“I could ask you the same?” River deflects the question innocently.

“Oh, I…umm, well I thought this was the starliner with the aquarium on it actually,” he admits sheepishly as she bites back a laugh and just shakes her head.

“Well, doesn’t look like there’s an aquarium here,” he shrugs awkwardly, sticking his hands in his pockets, “I should probably be…Unless you need a lift?” he says hesitantly with a small nod towards his ship.

She pauses for a moment. Her manipulator shorted out and a shower and a change of clothes really would be most welcome. “Well, if you’re offering?”

He nods slowly before turning and heading back inside the TARDIS. She hesitates for a moment before following him inside. As she takes in the familiar console room with its comforting bright yellow hues, a feeling of nostalgia and longing washes over her so strongly that she almost has to clutch on to something. A few days after Manhattan, she had woken up to find he’d changed the console room into something new. Something more austere, darker and colder. A bit like him.

“Are you…is anyone with you?” she asks hesitantly as he wanders over to the monitor, half afraid of the answer. Would it be worse to see her parents this young when they have no idea who she is or to leave her final memories of them as that awful few minutes in that graveyard?

“No,” he answers and she lets out a small breath, “Amy,” he looks up at that, “She… something happened…well, not that she remembers properly but… she wanted some time on her own. I dropped her off at a spa planet for a couple of days.”

He avoids her gaze and fiddles with something in front of him and _oh_ she knows exactly where he is. Her father is dead, erased from the universe and her mother cannot remember him. Her chest suddenly aches for poor Amy; caught up in a state of mourning for something she can’t quite grasp. Scrabbling around at the edges of her memory to try and mourn a fiancé that never existed in this universe. That’s why this Doctor is so mired in guilt, even more so than usual. River exhales slowly and tries to keep her expression neutral.

“So,” she says, making an effort to keep her voice light, “Where are you off to then? Or are you just going to skip ahead and see her?”

He looks up at that, a slight expression of surprise crossing his face. He opens his mouth to reply but as he does so the TARDIS gives a lurch and the lights flicker.

His hands move to pull down on one of the levers as he pulls the monitor towards him. “What’s the matter old girl?” he mutters as a few sparks fly ominously from above their heads. He glances up in concern before pressing a few more of the buttons with increasing urgency. “Why aren’t you working? What’s wrong with you?”

River sighs as he frantically presses more and more buttons in vain. “You’re doing it wrong,” she tries to keep the irritation out of her voice as she leans over the console and flicks a couple of the switches.

“That’s not how you do it,” he glares at her as more sparks fly from the console, showering around them.

She takes another deep breath and tries to calm herself. She needs to do this. She needs to be strong for both of them, she knows that. She can’t unravel in front of him. Not this him anyway. But she fees too fragile, too brittle to cope with this. As if one wrong step from either of them at this moment will unspool their entire relationship right in front of her. That they will erase her entire past with one hastily spoken insult or cutting remark.

“Yes, it is,” she grits her teeth and forces herself to not snap at him. The TARDIS, however, does not seem to be much inclined to help at the moment, and gives another sickening lurch to one side, forcing them both to hold on to the console.

As the movement finally slows, they both stand warily upright before one final lurch sends them both sprawling and then the lights go down momentarily before everything goes still.

The Doctor climbs to his feet, pointedly not offering to help River up as he hastily pushes buttons and pulls levers on the console.

“What’s the matter with you now?” he mutters, “Why aren’t you working?”

“What’s wrong?” River asks as he frowns up at the monitor.

“I don’t know?” he runs a hand agitatedly through his hair as he stares up at the monitor, “Nothing seems to be wrong but she won’t do anything. Nothing,” he gives the monitor a small smack.

“Don’t do that,” River admonishes automatically as he whirls round to glare at her.

“It’s _my_ ship and I’ll do what I want thank you,” he retorts angrily, “Besides, this is all your fault anyway.”

“My fault?” River stares open-mouthed at him as he pouts at her.

“Yes, I told you not to press those buttons.”

She stares at him in disbelief for a moment before taking a deep breath to calm herself. “Sweetie, if I hadn’t pressed those buttons then who knows _where_ we would be right now.”

“Oh, please,” he scoffs, jabbing one of the buttons on the console in frustration, “I think _I_ know how to fly my TARDIS thank you very much.”

“Yes,” River shoots back before she can help it, “You would think that wouldn’t you. Unfortunately, it’s completely untrue.”

“You…I…” he splutters in outrage as she crosses her arms across her chest and curses her luck for running into this young version of him just when she is almost at the end of her tether, “You can’t just _waltz_ in here and tell me what to do like some… like some…”

“Like some _what?”_ she snaps viciously, her patience now completely worn thin, deliberately goading him into a retort as he squares up to her.

“Like some nagging wife that I didn’t ask…”

_Slap_

The sound of her hand as it smacks across his cheek silences them both. There’s no other sound in the console room as he slowly brings a hand up to nurse his rapidly reddening cheek as they stare at each other.

She looks at him with horror, remorse filling her immediately as he gingerly cradles his face, his eyes full of hurt and mistrust. She opens her mouth to speak but no words come out. She wants to tell him she’s sorry, that she never meant to hurt him. She had sworn once that she never would again and now here she is hurting a younger version for things his older self has done. She wants to tell him that she’s tired, so so tired. That she’s barely slept in weeks as her nightmares have returned with a vengeance since she last saw him. But mostly what she wants to tell him is that she’s terrified. Terrified that their time has run out, that she’s used up all of their precious days, that along with her parents she’s now lost her husband forever.

But none of that comes out.

“I…I’m…” she manages to croak before she turns and flees the console room.

She stumbles through the corridors until she comes to a familiar door. Desperately fighting back the tears that have been threatening to fall since she fled the console room, she pulls open the door and steps over the threshold to her study. It’s always been a sanctuary for her. Somewhere she would flee to whenever they argued.

She sinks down against the nearest wall, not even bothering to walk over to armchair in front of the fireplace. She draws her legs up to her chest and takes in a shuddering breath, closing her eyes as she leans her forehead against her knees. The tears she’s been fighting for what seem like weeks now start to fall in earnest.

She hasn’t let herself cry once since they lost her parents. Not once in the few days she spent with the Doctor afterwards and not once since she left him. Instead she’s lost herself in a haze of drink, gunfights and bravado in the past few weeks. Now however, she finally lets them fall as sobs start to rack her body.

She’s been afraid that if she starts to cry then she’ll never stop and this is what it feels like now. She cries for her parents, cries that she never got to say goodbye to her father, cries for the Doctor – caught up in the grief of losing more companions and most of all she cries for herself. For the cruelty of a back-to-front marriage and the perpetual countdown that ticks ever louder in the back of her mind.

Eventually though, her sobs quieten and she sinks her head back against the wall, feeling the soothing hum of the TARDIS against her mind. She closes her eyes and tries to calm her breathing, not even bothering to wipe the tears from her face. She’s so tired. It’s the longest she hasn’t slept properly since she was first in Stormcage and plagued nightly by vivid nightmares. Here though, perhaps she could just drift off. She should move to the sofa at least but she can’t seem to find the energy to move her legs and…

Sleep must take her though because the next thing she’s aware of is a hand softly brushing the tear tracks from her cheeks.

“River,” a voice says gently. It sounds like him, like the Doctor, but it can’t be. He never follows her. At least not this young. He never follows her and she never lets him see her like this. Always hide the damage.

She must be dreaming because the next thing she knows, those arms are wrapping around her and picking her up, gently cradling her head to his chest.

“Come on, you can’t sleep here,” he murmurs and she could swear that his lips brush gently across her forehead as he carries her down the corridor. Deciding that if this is a dream then she doesn’t want to wake up just yet, she simply nestles closer into his neck, breathing him in as he holds her tightly.

She keeps her eyes closed as he opens a door and then very gently lays her down, careful not to drop her. She’s somewhere soft, somewhere that feels very like their bed. She hears him move down to the other end and he carefully removes her boots before pulling the duvet up over her and tucking her in.

She thinks he’s going to leave her then, leave her to sleep. That’s alright she tells herself, she can sleep here, in their bedroom, with the soft hum of the TARDIS in her mind, although she’s always slept better when he’s here right beside her. She can’t ask that of him though, not this young.

She’s about to turn over when she feels the edge of the bed dip and a hand reaches out to brush the hair back from her forehead. She bites back a whimper and automatically nuzzles into his touch. She shouldn’t, she should pull away and let him leave but it’s been so long since he’s touched her like this; carefully, reverently and she craves it desperately right now. She feels the mattress shift further as he carefully lies down next to her on top of the duvet and… _oh bliss_ as he pulls her into his embrace and wraps his arms around her. She nestles down into his chest, breathing in that wonderful smell of his, one of her hands coming up to rest over his hearts.

“Sleep, River,” he murmurs into her hair and she feels his voice reverberating in his chest. She can feel the steady thump of his hearts under her fingertips as she drifts back into the most peaceful sleep she’s had in months.

Several hours later, she slowly drifts back to consciousness. She feels wonderfully warm and rested. She’s in their bedroom in the TARDIS, curled up on her side and her husband’s arm is draped over her as he holds her …She opens her eyes suddenly as the events of the previous few hours come back to her. This is the Doctor but he isn’t yet her husband and she shouldn’t be cuddled up to him as if he was.

She makes a move to tentatively try and slip out the bed but before she can move very far, the Doctor stirs and mumbles her name.

She turns over to find him blinking sleepily at her, obviously having just woken up.

“I fell asleep,” he says, a note of surprise in his voice as he looks at her blearily, “I don’t usually do that.”

She smiles softly at him then. He’s told her before he sleeps better with her but she’s never quite known if that’s just something he tells her or whether or not it’s actually true.

“I was about to…” she nods her head vaguely in the direction of the door but he doesn’t make any move to let go of her, his hand still resting in the small of her back.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers after a moment, one hand coming up between them to gently trace his cheek, “I shouldn’t have hit you.”

His hand comes up to cover hers as he stares at her. “I deserved it,” he whispers back as she shakes her head, “Yes, I did,” he insists earnestly, “And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did and…” he hesitates slightly, “And I’m sorry for whatever I do in the future that makes you look at me like you did back then.”

She stares at him, his face mere inches from hers as he gazes at her solemnly and she feels a lightness in her chest that hasn’t been there for weeks. Maybe her past, his future, maybe that isn’t so at risk after all. Maybe they will be ok. Maybe it isn’t all about to come unravelling with a single misplaced word.

He leans in ever so slightly, his gaze flicking down to her mouth and she’s sure he’s about to kiss her when she places a single finger across his lips.

He stills and looks up at her in confusion. She hesitates for a moment. She could let this happen. She could let this ever-so-young Doctor comfort her and she could certainly teach him a thing or two about finding comfort in her arms. But their timeline is still precious to her. She can feel it swirling around as she looks into his eyes.

She shakes her head gently. “We haven’t done this before have we?” she asks softly even though she knows the answer. She remembers all too well his first kiss. He shakes his head reluctantly as she sighs. “I don’t want… I don’t want to change anything Doctor. I’ve already done this the first time for you.”

He stares at her for a long moment, a look of disappointment crossing his face before he smiles, lets out a small laugh and suddenly rolls back onto his back, pulling her into his arms again.

“You know, I never thought it would be you turning me down,” he says teasingly, one of his hands coming up to play with the ends of her hair.

She laughs softly, slapping him lightly on the chest. “Oh, don’t worry sweetie. You’ll get your turn eventually.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes,” she nods with a grin, thinking back to her university days when she’d virtually pounce on him and try to pin him down to the console. Or turn up in scandalously short dresses or low-cut tops just to watch his tongue almost fall out of his mouth as he stared at her. “Although I was a bit more merciless towards you I’m afraid.”

He chuckles and pulls her closer. “I’m sure you were.”

“Oh Doctor,” she lifts her head from his chest to look up at him fondly, “You’ve got _so_ much to look forward to.”

He grins delightedly back at her before his expression turns serious. “And you?” he asks, a note of concern entering his voice, “Do you still have lots to look forward to River?”

She swallows, her throat suddenly going dry as he voices her worst fears. “Of course,” she lies, fixing a smile on her face before she turns away, avoiding his worried gaze as she settles back down onto his chest, her fingertips idly tracing patterns through his shirt, “Of course I do,” she whispers again, this time more a plea to the universe than a reassurance to him.

\--

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came to me when I couldn't sleep the other night and I haven't been able to write anything else since!
> 
> I do have a slightly happier/more upbeat ending half written...although I do quite like this ending as it is... but let me know what you think!


End file.
